Sidewalk Rage

My name is Elayna and I have sidewalk rage. I bet you’re asking, what is sidewalk rage? Well y’know how there is road rage? It’s kinda the same thing but on the sidewalk. It’s not my fault though. Everyone else just walks soooo slooowww and it annoys me. And I get increasingly frustrated as I’m trying to get around the turtles that I’m constantly surrounded by. If people would just get out of my way, there would be no problem. So it’s their fault not mine.

I think my sidewalk rage is directly related to the fact that it is chemically impossible for me to walk slow. One, because my legs are super long. Did you know it is a scientific fact that tall people can’t walk slow? Really. I have conducted serious scientific research on this topic. So I’m an expert, trust me. This is especially difficult when I’m walking with friends because I have to consciously be aware of how fast I’m walking so they don’t get left behind. And two, because I’m way too impatient to walk slow. I don’t have the patience to leisurely stroll to get someplace when I can get there in half the time.

And on top of all this I work in DC and walking and public transportation is the best way to get around. And the biggest thing that irks me about walking in DC is the tourists (other people in general, really). Oh I hate tourists. They always hang out in packs and take up the whole sidewalk. They love to wander around aimlessly taking in the sights, not realizing that us non-tourists have places to be. And the biggest thing I hate that people do: they’re walking at a pretty good clip. Everything’s fine and dandy and then they suddenly stop without warning. Then they get mad at you for running into them! Ugggh! But I digress…

I realize short people have a slight disadvantage because their legs are so short and with me being short on patience, I suggest a “fast lane” on the sidewalk. It would save me time and sanity and it would help countless others who are actually trying to get where they need to go. And there would be rules involved. There would a height requirement. Minimum 5’10” for women and 6’2″ for men. Shorter people could walk in the fast lane if they can prove that they can keep up. And if a person is taking too long in the fast lane, a tall person has the right to push them out of the way. No charges filed.

Maybe it could even extend to grocery stores, malls, the subway. I can see it now, it would be so great! No more having to bob and weave through crowded streets. No more missing my train because people are in my way. Does anyone else suffer from sidewalk rage? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!

We’ll get through this together,


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